Are you almost done banging your head against that wall?

I woke up this morning with a stiff neck.

Usually I have excellent range of motion in my neck, but today it hurts.

Reminder 7653: Listen to your body.

Yes, I knew this would happen. Funny me. I knew I was doing it, and I did it anyway.

Yesterday, while I was rushing around using my hands, I was also trying to get a few things done on my cell phone. But I didn’t use my Bluetooth because I don’t like the one I have. So I tucked my tiny phone between my ear and my shoulder.

This is a sure recipe for a stiff neck. I didn't figure this out yesterday. I’ve done this before. A few times.

So it’s not the cleverest thing I’ve ever done. You might even say it’s dense. But it’s also incredibly human.

I laughed this morning as I stretched, trying to undo some of the damage I’d done. Happily, my body is strong and resilient and by this afternoon my aching neck will be mostly a memory.

But it got me to thinking about all the ways that we hurt ourselves. This aching neck is a small thing, but I’ve certainly done far more serious damage to myself by following that same pattern: Knowing that the thing I’m doing won’t be good for me and doing it anyway. Dang. Why do I do that?

Recently, Irene, my teenage daughter and I were sewing together. We listened to pop music.

There was the requisite woman singing about how her man had done her wrong, about how she was so hurt, and how she was so tired of being so hurt. Irene had little patience for the woman’s woes.

“Well, if he’s hurting you, what are you still doing with him?” Irene snapped at the woman. “Leave the man!”

Ha! The simple and clear world of a thirteen-year-old. But it is simple, isn’t it?

Who wouldn’t cheer the woman who leaves an abusive relationship? Get out!

It is, for most of us, really easy to think we know how other people could improve their lives.

We all want the alcoholic to see what drinking is doing to his life.  And stop it.

We all cringe to see a parent screaming and berating a small child. Stop it.

We listen to our friend complain about her weight and watch as she eats another lunch of burger, soda, and fries. Just stop it.

Simple. 

But when it comes to our own ways of causing ourselves pain, oh, how things get complicated. We humans are experts at coming up with a convincing and compelling story about why we have to keep doing things that hurt us.

For me, I was too busy yesterday (and the day before) to get a new Bluetooth. Do I even really need this thing? I can figure that out later, right?

For the woman in the song, her reasoning might sound something like this:

“I would leave him, but we’ve got these kids, and I’m broke, and I don’t know where I would go. Besides, sometimes he’s great. And I love him. Everyone fights; it’s just part of life. I have to accept that this is my life.”

We apply this same kind of “keep-doing-what-we’re-doing” logic to all kinds of situations that we might be better off changing: thankless jobs, overbearing friends, lousy food, being crazy busy, exercising (or not), going to social events, not doing that fun thing you’ve been thinking about for months.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we keep going to wells that are dry, looking for a satisfying drink of water?  And can we stop doing it?

We have built a life of habits. Some of them work well for the life we want. But some of our habits work  against the life we really want. Habits are funny things; they grow into lives.

Researchers recently found that to change a habit takes an average of sixty-six days. The bigger the thing is in our lives, the harder and longer it is to change. So, it didn’t take that long for someone to add a glass of water to their routine, for example, but it took a long time for someone to incorporate daily sit-ups into their routine. So changing the way we treat ourselves? How big a change is that? What would life look like if we picked one important thing to change? If we stopped eating that fast, cheap, easy, and unhealthy food? If we didn’t allow ourselves to be yelled at? If every time we wanted a cigarette, we stretched for five minutes instead? What would happen? Our lives would be one step closer to our best lives, one step closer to our best selves.

Yes, we can stop doing stupid things. Why not?

I’ve got to run now. I’ve got an appointment to find a new Bluetooth.