Strategies for not killing annoying people

I know a man, we’ll call him Tom, who has a substantial temper. Quick to anger, quick to boil, he chose the logical profession: customer service in retail.

Tom’s job is to help people who come into his bookstore with whatever they need. Many customers have only the faintest idea of what they’re looking for. 

“Um, you know that book that was a best seller a few years ago about horses?”

“I don’t know the author or the title, but it was an Oprah book.”

It’s like a little puzzle for Tom, a detective job helping customers in a bookstore. But sometimes customers can be truly puzzling, getting angry about a damaged book, insisting that the store employees fix whatever problem they have. Add this stress to the reality of any retail store in a major metropolitan city. People come with their problems, they come with their eccentricities, they come wanting things that have nothing to do with bookstores.

One day Tom was working with a particularly difficult customer. It had been a long day, a long week. And his customer was incorrigible, demanding, and feeling entitled.

Tom could feel the blood start to pound in his veins. His speech became clipped, and a heat began to rise within him.

A colleague noticed what was happening and pulled Tom into the back room.

“You, take a deep breath and count to 1,000,” she told him.

For some of us, counting to ten isn’t going to cut it.

What I love about this story is that Tom told it to me, laughing.

It’s better to laugh at ourselves than to pummel people. Especially our customers.

But sometimes don’t people plead to be pummeled?  Don’t they do stupid things that cry out for correction? Don’t they demand that someone, anyone, deflate their over-inflated illusions?

Every single day.
But the kick is this: Unless you are the annoying person’s boss or parent, you don’t get to tell him that what he’s doing is wrong. However thickheaded, rude, and bellicose he or she becomes.

Of course you could. But pointing out people’s bad behavior has a way of escalating the behavior. Some people are just having a bad day. Some truly are incorrigible. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is how you handle yourself.

Here’s where you do have some power, where you can learn to pause and respond intelligently instead of blindly reacting. A few things to try.

·         Pause. Really, the old advice about taking a deep breath and counting to ten (Or 1000) is so old and so oft-repeated because it’s so effective. Our first reactions when we’re agitated often aren’t our best responses. Slow down. Take a minute; excuse yourself if you need to. Tell yourself that you are a rock and water is only rushing by, rushing by. Whatever the problem is, let it be the water, let it pass. You are steady, you are calm, and you can handle this thing. Go back and be the rock.

·         Set a boundary. No one, not an underling or a customer service rep. has to accept abuse. You can make that clear in both your words and your actions. “I can help you only when you stop yelling.” “I will have to ask you to leave the store if you continue to swear at me (or anyone in the store).” “I will have to tackle you to the ground and duct tape your mouth if you don’t shut up.” Okay, maybe not that last one.

·         Remember that someone else’s outburst is almost never about you. Do not take anything personally. If you can keep this in mind, you may have an easier time finding compassion for an irritated customer, colleague, lover, or child. 

·         Try to get some perspective. If someone is making a big problem out of a small thing, don’t join them. The less energy and time that you spend on this situation, the better. If you can remember that you aren’t heavily invested in this small problem, you might be able keep the situation light. But take people’s complaints seriously. Guide them to a solution if they really want that. If they just want to gripe, give them a moment and then attend to other things. Keep on moving. This is a key bit to remember when parenting teenagers.

Whatever the situation, it is almost assuredly better handled calmly and firmly. You can stand up and create your own dignity, even if someone else is having a hard time recognizing that you deserve such respect. And you can give the same respect to others, whether their behavior warrants it at the moment or not.  Given some practice, these things work better than brute force and aggression. Besides, who can ever find enough duct tape?