How do you get anything done with kids around?

Children are a full-time job. Someone, somewhere, has to be caring for them all the time. It’s what they require. As the mother of four, with three still at home, I am always mentally dividing my work into several categories, figuring out what I can get done and when. There are three categories that are particularly useful when it comes to my children.

I think about this as their time, our time, and my time. I find these distinctions useful for all kinds of reasons. I can divide things that need to be done into the right time slot. I can notice that if my kids are getting cranky, maybe they haven’t had enough of their time. And if I’m feeling stressed, I know that I’d better get to my time pronto.  

It’s critical that we parents develop these particular times for our families. Not just for our sanity, but for the fun and closeness that come in all three kinds of time.

The first is kids’ time; time for them and them alone. Sometimes being with our kids is the only thing to do. This is when we do things exclusively for their benefit. This also benefits me, because I might be less likely to do them as often without my kids. Things such as picnics, playing in the creek, painting, reading books, playing games, eating meals, throwing a ball, hiking in the woods, dancing in the kitchen, bedtime stories. They get all of me and that time is about them. Sometimes I might be trying to do something and I have to surrender to the reality of kids’ time.

The second category is time that we share, but that isn’t all about them. This is a critical time for both the kids and the parents. There are ways that we can share this time, and there are ways that we can both be doing something independently of one another. Doing chores together is an ideal example of time together that is also useful. My kids and I fold clothes, clean bathrooms, work in the yard, and cook dinner together. I have found over many years of parenting that children do chores more readily when we do them together. (They also learn how to do them well. My thirteen-year-old can now clean the kitchen after dinner as well as I can: counters and table cleaned, food put away, floors swept, dishes done. Yes!) This is also the time when kids can be doing one thing, and I another, but we’re in one another’s space. I recently cleaned my desk while my soon to be five-year-old played with her assortment of dogs (all stuffed, thankfully) and did her “homework” – work in a little book of letters and numbers. We talked together and I stopped to help her with some words, but we were both doing our own thing together. I managed to straighten my desk up, a task that doesn’t require a lot of brain power, but is, nonetheless, rather satisfying.  

The third kind of time is one that sometimes gets ignored by parents: my time.  This is a two-part deal for parents: time alone and time with other adults. My feeling is that everyone could benefit from time alone. The only thing that varies from person to person is how much time alone you need.  We all need time to think, to dream, to wonder, to plan. We need to do things that require all of our attention: writing, balancing the books, and practicing our art. And when we’re parents, most of us also need exclusively adult time. We want to talk to people and stay connected to our adult selves. We want to speak in complete sentences without someone interrupting us. We want to be able to converse about topics outside the realm of potty training and sassy-mouthed teens. We don’t want to get so wrapped up in our children’s development that we neglect our own.

Sometimes, when there’s no one else to be with our kids, we have to create the best version of “my time” we can. I sometimes tell my kids that I’ll be in my room for the next twenty minutes and that no one is allowed to call me or have any problem unless they break their arm or the house is on fire. I have learned that twenty minutes alone can save the night for all of us.  

When we live in families, especially in families with small children, it’s a major feat for everyone to get what they need all the time. It might be impossible. It makes sense that parents sacrifice some of their time and energy for the benefit of their children. But everyone benefits, children included, when parents aren’t always at the bottom of the “time-needed” list.