Planning for a good death

I spent the past several days talking about dying and how to care for our own dead at home. If that sounds gruesome to you, just hang on a minute.

Death's got a bad rap it doesn't deserve. We're all going to die; maybe that's the hard part. But when we give just a little thought and consideration as to how we'll deal with this reality, death can remind us of all the wonderful parts of being alive, connected to people we love, and how to not sweat the small stuff.

I just returned from the National Home Funeral Alliance conference in Raleigh, North Carolina. We had a number of inspiring speakers, and a room full of talented, experienced home funeral educators and guides who are helping to grow the movement of home funerals across the country.

Did you know you can bring your loved one home and have a funeral for them in the comfort and ease of your own home?You can clear a spot and make it beautiful. Your friends and family can come and sing and light candles and bring flowers and eat together and decorate the room. I've been a part of this work for the past several years now and I have seen beautiful, touching, and profound home funerals. The families have felt supported, the community has been enriched. Home funerals may not be for everyone, but helping people understand the option is critical.

Caring for the dead, just like caring for the new mother and the newborn, is community work. When we don't take up that work and we pay someone else to do it, we lose our ties to our community. We don't know how to wash and dress a body. How to dig a hole. How to gather our family and friends around us to help us grieve.

But it wasn't so long ago that we all knew how to do these things. We all used to do it this way before embalming became the norm. Embalming is the primary factor that drives the way funerals are done today. Because here's the fact that so many people don't know: You don't have to embalm dead bodies. Really. There is no state in the country that says you have to, expect in some oddball cases. We don't have to embalm for safety or sanitary reasons.

The idea of a home funeral may seem new and uncomfortable. But as more people understand and experience home funerals, the movement is growing across the country. And well it should. It was only ten or fifteen years ago that people didn't know or understand what hospice care was. Today, every major medical institution has a hospice unit. It makes sense to help people be comfortable while they're dying. Many people chose hospice in their home: where they are most comfortable.

Here is my hope: that in another ten or fifteen years, we'll all know what a home funeral is. That we'll understand our options and be clear that taking our loved one home, or keeping them home if he died there, is something we know we can do.

A good death, one that is properly respected and cared for, can show us a lot about good living. It's time to give death its due.